加拿大华人论坛 加拿大生活信息发些好玩的, 憋住别笑...

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Canada, A Brief Introduction Canada, also known as America’s Frosted Hat, Soviet Canuckistan, Canuckland, Canadia or The Shizzle North of Hizzle, but more commonly known as “The Great White North”, is situated somewhere near the inconsequential continental U.S.A., and slightly south of the North Pole. The United Nations has managed to narrow it down further to not only north of the U.S. but also up, eh? Canada is the USA’s largest national park, and tourist attraction. To answer the question the entire world is asking, yes, Canada has an Army, and no, Canada doesn’t know about it. Canadians are known for their peacefulness and politeness in distressing situations, such as during a war or hockey playoffs. The world looks to Canada for international peace-keepers, since they possess no weapons other than snow shovels, and their jovial accent and flannel clothing are comforting. The unanimously agreed upon capital of Canada is Toronto, although a small number of government offices are located in the far less important city of Ottawa. Proposals made entirely and only by Torontonians have been made to move said offices to Toronto, but have yet to be approved. The city has considered separating from the country because of this. The rest of Canada, meanwhile, continues to think that Toronto “blows” and that the city’s curling team, the Leafs, “suck”. The world sees Canada as America’s dorky half brother, (although Canada sees the USA as a retarded cousin.) Canada and the USA share a common mother, that being England, but while America’s father was apparently Jesus, Canada’s was France. While little brother Canada may not be able to throw the ball as far as its “cool” older half-brother America, Canada can at least find itself on a map (of course, Canada finds itself by locating the USA and going north, much like Mexicans find America by locating Mexico and going north). Top 10 reasons to live in British Columnbia, Canada 1. Weed2. Vancouver: 2 million people and two bridges3. The local hero is a pot-smoking snowboarder4. The local wine doesn’t taste like malt vinegar5. Your $400,000 Vancouver home is 5 hours from downtown6. A university with a nude beach Read More… New Simplified Tax Form for 2010 Taxes 1. How much money did you make in 2010?2. Send it to us. You are from Canada You know your from Manitoba, Canada, when…. You only know three spices salt, pepper and ketchup. You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit. The mosquitoes have landing lights. You have more miles on your snowblower than your car. You have 10 favourite recipes for moose meat. Canadian Tire on any Saturday is busier than the toy stores at Christmas. You live in a house that has no front step, yet the door is one meter above the ground. You’ve taken your kids trick-or-treating in a blizzard. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled in with snow. You owe more money on your snowmobile than your car. The local paper covers national and international headlines on 1/4 page, but requires 6 pages for sports. At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat processing plant. The most effective mosquito repellent is a shotgun. Your snowblower gets stuck on the roof. You think the start of moose season is a national holiday. You head south to go to your cottage. You frequently clean grease off your barbeque so the bears won’t prowl on your deck. You know which leaves make good toilet paper. The major parish fund-raiser isn’t bingo it’s sausage making. You find -40C a little chilly. The trunk of your car doubles as a deep freezer. You attend a formal event in your best clothes, your finest jewelry and your Sorels. You can play road hockey on skates. You know 4 seasons Winter, Still Winter, almost Winter and Construction. The municipality buys a Zamboni before a bus. You actually get these jokes and forward them to all your Northern friends.

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The Dispossessed: An Ambiguous UtopiaA Novel by Ursula K. Le GuinWinner of Nebula Award in 1974 and Hugo Award in 1975​回复: 发些好玩的, 憋住别笑...俺也说个好玩滴： 重庆市万州天城交通局仅有12名在职职工，却建起两栋建筑面积7000平方米的“欧式”风格办公楼。 楼下保持队形

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回复: 发些好玩的, 憋住别笑...USA, a Brief IntroductionUnited States of America = Satane Dictatore, Fuse Mei! A latin sentence which means: Satan dictator, fuse with me!, is an experiment by God to develop a prototype for his next planetary creation (the planet Venus was no good, alas). The budget was considerably lower than the first one, allowing for only 3 days to create it, so was likely to contain a mass of things God had already created. The prototype will, in theory, provide an insight into what happens when a naked land is populated by other nationalities and was easily and rapidly filled by hopeful degenerates whos own country was sickened by them. Of course, the prototype has back-fired for God and so his other-worldly project has since been abandoned. The experiment did proved useful for the World Health Organisation, who now at least have something to back up claims that we should all eat healthily and exercise more. It is the stupidest off-shore island of Finland and is in a constant state of war with Der Aztek Grobssdeutchesreich. The United States of America is known as the largest and most influential Hypocracy in the world or “The Leader of the Opressing world”. The USA (pronounced “Ooh-Sa”) is bent on freeing the rest of the world by introducing “Democracy” (by force) so that their people can make free decisions (selling the USA all their oil for a mediocre price) and live in ‘free doom’ or just plain civil war(reference:Iraq).Due to intense infighting between the Democrats and Republicans, the country is currently run by a democratically-elected unity government called Bechtel. As every perfect democracy, every presidential election is frauded by a very complex voting system. Specially when the winner actually can’t be president.

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The Dispossessed: An Ambiguous UtopiaA Novel by Ursula K. Le GuinWinner of Nebula Award in 1974 and Hugo Award in 1975​回复: 发些好玩的, 憋住别笑...China The “People’s Republic of China (usually abbreviated by Rosie O’Donnel as Ching Chong Ching Chong Land), a pivotal support mechanism for the United States retail industry, was the first place in the world created by God, otherwise known as Chuck Norris. China is known as “birthplace of everything”. Everything was invented in China first, including the Television, Internet, Bad Driving, Toilets, Paper, Cheese, Industrial Pollution, kem chi, Mexicans, Existance, Bird Flu, SARS, Heterosexuality, Gunpowder, Astronauts, Jews, Bill G8S, Dan Dan Mian and CCTV. You name it, they invented it before anyone else. (Except homosexuality which was invented in 10th Century BC by Dioxippus Alcaeus, a Greek paleontologist and architect. Compare the population of both countries for a hint). For centuries China was ruled by a series of dynasties that supplanted each other by scheduled and formal occasion, no bloodshed necessary; that was until some incredible dickhead obsessed with kitten huffing decided to mess things up (you’ll read about this douche below). After a sudden and unexpected five-hour civil war in 1949, the Communists led by the maniacal but adorable Mao Zedong poster hanging on Tiananmen Gate took over China in a sweeping musical revolution known as “The Cool” by Lupe Fiasco. Eyewitness accounts now confirm that your Mom was there. The People’s Republic of China has often been at odds with its 20th century nemesis, the American Empire, but ever since 1972 the two countries have grudgingly met together for an annual gift exchange and hand job.

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The Dispossessed: An Ambiguous UtopiaA Novel by Ursula K. Le GuinWinner of Nebula Award in 1974 and Hugo Award in 1975​回复: 发些好玩的, 憋住别笑...England England (pronounced ing-ger-lund) is widely regarded by people with a lesser intelligence as The United States’s little bitch puppet. It is the largest exporter of haters of Scotland and pakistan (due to brown friday). After brown friday when pakies raided airbases, stole choppers, and airlifted all of Englands call centers off to India, and as of 2006 the british public have had to learn pakistani if they want tech support with there internets, it didnt take long for the banks to follow suit and now Pakistani is Englands second language with gook following a close third and polish creeping in at fourth. british telecom thought it would be a wise idea to change there name to Bombay telecom. England was created in 1066 by the Satan himself, just after creating Marmite. England is (without question) the greatest country on earth as long as you aren’t fleeing opression or ethnic cleansing in your homeland or happen to be french, some would say its best to have no sense of smell as most corner shops are run by pakies that dont seem to be familiar with normal household products such as Cillit Bang! England is the only thing that has kept the hatred of the French alive, until the USA picked up the torch in 2003 now in 2007 Canada, Australia, Asia and most of Europe have joined there crusade to mock the french. Hating the French, or “Frog Bashing”, has been an English national pastime since the rout and slaughter of the French nobility at The Battle of Crecy in 1346 and Battle of Agincourt in 1415. England is also commonly believed to be a ficticious fantasy island inhabited by fraggles and gummi bears a few miles off the coast of Newfieland, Canada (aka Hoserland) by some americans that dont own passports. Contrary to popular belief, England was NOT struck by a gigantic Iceberg the white debris had in fact blown down from Scotlands dandruff problem. It remains the most populated floating object in the universe. The greatest practical joke ever played on the French by the British occurred in 1940. The French fleet was laying at anchor in Mers-el-Kebir, French North Africa (now Algeria) when elements of the Royal Navy Mediterranian Fleet blasted the crap out of them. Oh how DeGaulle and Churchill laughed about that in later years.

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The Dispossessed: An Ambiguous UtopiaA Novel by Ursula K. Le GuinWinner of Nebula Award in 1974 and Hugo Award in 1975​回复: 发些好玩的, 憋住别笑...France A nation in western Europe slightly below the UK in all or most senses,La France (from the Latin term for “the France”) is the world’s largest known Algerian colonial outpost, known for its Freedom fries, Freedom toast, and Freedom snails. Formerly known as “Freedomland”, it was changed to France by act of Parliament. By this time, however, Freedom Food was well known across the world, so the names stuck. France was found tied to a large outcrop of Alpine mountains at the end of the English Channel. Founded by the vertically-challenged psychopath Napol’on Bonaparte, France nevertheless grew into the tall and muscular nation it is today. The French are renowned for fermenting excellent cheese, wall making, brewing fine wines, hurling sarcastic retorts at the British, and their use of walls. The primary industry of France is “fine” wine production, coupled with the energy industry, powered by burning automobiles that have been left unattended for over 30 seconds. France also has a thriving industry producing French bread for people all over the world. France has also been known throughout history for being blamed any time another country screwed over and didn’t bother presenting apologies (see 2003). (Note: The French may be getting tired of their practice of wall making, now that they’ve gotten Nicolas Sarkozy to redesign their flag. Thus, they now wave the flag of Pacman… or so they claim.)

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The Dispossessed: An Ambiguous UtopiaA Novel by Ursula K. Le GuinWinner of Nebula Award in 1974 and Hugo Award in 1975​回复: 发些好玩的, 憋住别笑...India India is an imaginary place far, far away, home to Outsour Singh, Bollywood, and a gazillion people. The very name means “the wrong side of the river” given to it by those posh downtown Persians who used to stare at it down the ravines of the Hindu Kush, and unlike other people from other countries such as England and Australia, the Indian people come out of there mothers arse.India is also the Manhattan of Asialand. It is the big huge melting pot where everything that ever enters it melts down to an ever increasing experience of cultural madness and confusion.This strange complementary yet totally non-unitable features has made India the universal home of mysticism and ludicrousy. Many are those who has pondered about how something can be both New Jersey and Manhattan at the same time, just to end up in a merry-go-round on Coney Island.

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The Dispossessed: An Ambiguous UtopiaA Novel by Ursula K. Le GuinWinner of Nebula Award in 1974 and Hugo Award in 1975​回复: 发些好玩的, 憋住别笑...Japan Japan (lit. land of wind and ghosts) is the nation that is on the other side of the world, unless you live in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean. If you live in China, it’s quite close. If you live in Japan, just look out of the window. If you live in Japan and do not have a window, you can make a small one by poking your finger through your rice paper wall, or the newly invented cardboard wall released in 2007. Japan is also a form of bread. Yakitate Japan! is a thrill-a-minute animated series about making this type of bread. The word for bread in Japanese is pan, hence the making of Ja-pan (no kidding). This delightful pastry-like treat is commonly found in convenience stores throughout the country, but is avoided by ethnocentric Westerners who are generally appalled by its unmentionable filling.

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The Dispossessed: An Ambiguous UtopiaA Novel by Ursula K. Le GuinWinner of Nebula Award in 1974 and Hugo Award in 1975​回复: 发些好玩的, 憋住别笑...公务员包养情妇处分条例 日前，《行政机关公务员处分条例》出台，其中第二十九条规定，公务员包养情妇的，“给予警告、记过或者记大过处分；情节较重的，给予降级或者撤职处分；情节严重的，给予开除处分”。为了遵照执行，又防止“一抓就死，一放就乱”，把公务员包养情妇工作引上健康、可持续发展之路，特制订《公务员包养情妇条例》，全文如下： 　　第一章　总则 　　第一条　为了严肃行政机关纪律，规范行政机关公务员的行为，保证行公务员包情妇工作顺利进行，根据相关法律法规，制定本条例。 　　第二条公务员违反包养情妇决定，应当承担纪律责任的，依照本条例给予处分。 　　第二章 谨慎包养的范围 　　第三条 有下列情况之一的公务员应该谨慎包养 　　（一）妻子知情之后，不能与情人和平共处，影响安定团结大局者；　　（二）情妇年龄小于自己的女儿（或者儿子），有伤风化者；　　（三）经商（尤其是从事工程建筑行业）的情妇，可能导致公务员权钱交易者；　　（四）口无遮拦、爱炫耀、容易走漏风声的情妇；　　（五）欲壑难填，太贪婪而且三亲六戚众多的情妇；　　（六）爱写日记、拍合照留念等不良习惯的情妇；　　（七）商人或者不是心腹进贡、来历不明的情妇；　　（八）下属把自己的配偶、姐妹推荐作情妇的。 　　第三章 不准包养的范围 　　第四条　有下列情况之一的公务员不得包养情妇 　　（一）身体健康欠佳，无法胜任包养工作者（如做过肾脏移植手术等）；　　（二）科级以下且月收入不足1000元（包括灰色收入）者；　　（三）科级（包括科级）以下已经包养1名、副局级以上已经包养两2情妇（含2名）、厅级干部包养2名以上者；　　（四）不论什么级别，已经包养7名以上情妇者。 　　第五条　以下情妇不能包 　　（一）上级领导的情妇；　　（二）不够16岁的未成年人；　　（三）欲包养的情妇与已有情妇有血缘关系者，如母女、姐妹等；　　（四）已经被公务员包养还没有脱离旧关系者；　　（五）从事性工作且尚未从良者；　　（六）有犯罪前科的。 　　第四章　处分的种类和适用 　　第六条 公务员包养情妇处分的种类为： 　　（一）警告；　　（二）记过；　　（三）记大过；　　（四）降级；　　（五）罚款。 　　第七条 有下列情形之一的，应从重处分： 　　（一）在知情的情况下，调戏、戏弄甚至包养上级领导情妇，且屡教不改；　　（二）有能力但拒不付包养费用，属于恶意欠薪的行为；　　（三）包养未成年人，且不听从组织劝阻；　　（四）事情败露之后，残害、谋杀情妇；　　（五）利用贪污、索贿、受贿、行贿、介绍贿赂、挪用公款等资金进行包养的；　　（六）和情妇超生孩子2名以上的。 　　第八条　有下列情形之一的，应从轻处分； 　　（一）在上级发现之后，主动交待违纪行为的；　　（二）主动采取措施，弥补情妇损失，未造成严重影响的；　　（三）检举他人包养情妇，情况属实的；　　（四）用自己合法收入进行包养且讲诚信的。 　　第九条　公务员包养情妇行为情节轻微，经过批评教育后立即退包、改正的，可以免予处分。 　　第十条　公务员在受处分期间有悔改表现，并且没有再发生包养情妇行为的，处分期满后，应当解除处分。解除处分后，晋升工资档次、级别和职务不再受原处分的影响。 　　第五章 处分的程序 　　第十一条　任免机关对涉嫌包养情妇的公务员的调查、处理，按照下列程序办理： 　　（一）调查、处理采取民不举官不究的原则，情妇本人不告，将不启动调查程序；　　（二）有关部门将调查认定的事实及拟给予处分的依据必须告知被调查的公务员本人，并经其本人同意；　　（三）任免机关仅将处分决定以书面形式通知受处分的公务员本人，并在小范围内宣布； 　　第六章　附则 　　第十二条　有包养情妇行为应当受到处分的行政机关公务员，在处分决定机关作出处分决定前已经退休的，不再给予处分； 　　第十三条　女公务员包养情夫的，对照相关条款处分； 　　第十四条　本条例将在50年后生效。

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回复: 发些好玩的, 憋住别笑...Russia Russia (not to be confused with Ukraine) (Russian: -°…-° ), is the world’s largest banana republic and the world’s biggest source of smaller banana republics since 1991, commonly misspelled as ‘hell’, ’slaughterhouse’, and ‘rosin’, a huge piece of Asian land, where barbarians called Russians reside. They are governed by authoritarian Dear Leader Vladimir Pudding, distantly related to Vlad the Impaler, known in former career as Vlad and the Wailers. If you dare to criticise Tovarishch (Comrade) Pudding, you will to be shot, or worse, sent off to Belarus. And pudding is delicious, so why would you? Russians have a unique character that is expressed in very different ways. They are a very angry nation. When they are happy they are sad and when they are sas ….they are sad. They also have a weird personality and appearance.Typical Russian woman or manTypical Russian woman or man Russians like to associate themselves with Ukraine, though the latter often go hunting for Russians in the winter. Hot people live in Russia because it is cold there, at least in some places. Some of the hot people look suspiciously like bears. Some of these hot bears moved to the Americas (see: Svetlana of The Real World). The porn star Winnie the Pooh (Russian: …) hot people’s god. Despite high concentration of the aforementioned hot people, nobody willingly moves to Russia, unless they happen to be obscure African nationals or Chechenistanians who are answering call of nature to lay eggs there. Chinese people and Koreans move there only because they prohibited by law to form 6th level of vertical human habitat, and to lay their eggs there. This why Russia also known as The Motherland. Jews used to make up Russia’s ninja army, but have since moved away to Israel or Turkmenistan, depending on whether they smart or hungry corresponsively. Hot Russians speak hot Russian language, which won’t let them say the word that sounds like ‘bee’ in any form. However, this deficit enabled them to create such masterpieces as Tetris and Harry Potter. Wodka, a magical variety of cheese which hails from the Russian serengeti, better known to the uninitiated as vodka. There have been plans in the pipeline to replace Russia with another ocean, as Russia mostly big and pointless and the ocean breeze would make Central Asia a much nicer place to. Part of this plan was actually carried out, but as soon as Neorusso Sea iced over, nobody could tell difference, except for some angry giraffes, which have since attempted to form their own branch of the Russian tree, though they have not yet succeeded, because they like to call it Chechnya.

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The Dispossessed: An Ambiguous UtopiaA Novel by Ursula K. Le GuinWinner of Nebula Award in 1974 and Hugo Award in 1975​回复: 发些好玩的, 憋住别笑...我也想发帖赚钱呢但是没有地方靠..........

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回复: 发些好玩的, 憋住别笑...不好笑,让我觉得最好笑的是LZ的行为,LZ和加拿大一点关系没有,又不移民,却热衷于发些关于加拿大的贴加拿大每年吸引那么多移民,无数人排队数年申请而不放弃,自有其内在的道理盛世中国每年无数人离开,官员富人(投资移民)平民(技术移民+难民+偷渡者),各阶层各行业都有,还有无数人想走还没找到法子,道理你不明白就算了,我也不想多言你喜欢看正面,积极向上的报道,每天坚持看中央一台就好了,尤其是新闻联播,为什么非要想到这个论坛上来找同样的东西.要知道论坛除了你而外,不是已经离开中国的,就是想离开中国的,这里面会有几个人和你臭味相投呢?

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回复: 发些好玩的, 憋住别笑...“人家巴西队技术那么好，大牌那么多，人家却在晚上11点去酒店健身房练力量，你们什么时候练过?”越说越气的谢亚龙提出了一个专业名词“叉腰肌”，他指出中国女足身体肌群中最需要训练的是“叉腰肌”，但姑娘们并不知道他所说的这个肌肉部位在哪里。

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回复: 发些好玩的, 憋住别笑...不好笑,让我觉得最好笑的是LZ的行为,LZ和加拿大一点关系没有,又不移民,却热衷于发些关于加拿大的贴 加拿大每年吸引那么多移民,无数人排队数年申请而不放弃,自有其内在的道理 盛世中国每年无数人离开,官员富人(投资移民)平民(技术移民+难民+偷渡者),各阶层各行业都有,还有无数人想走还没找到法子,道理你不明白就算了,我也不想多言 你喜欢看正面,积极向上的报道,每天坚持看中央一台就好了,尤其是新闻联播,为什么非要想到这个论坛上来找同样的东西.要知道论坛除了你而外,不是已经离开中国的,就是想离开中国的,这里面会有几个人和你臭味相投呢?点击展开...Look carefully, dude. These jokes are not only about Canada but also other countries. This is a good away to acquire western sense of humor. Reading those Chinese news doesn't do any good to your English

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The Dispossessed: An Ambiguous UtopiaA Novel by Ursula K. Le GuinWinner of Nebula Award in 1974 and Hugo Award in 1975​Look carefully, dude. These jokes are not only about Canada but also other countries. This is a good away to acquire western sense of humor. Reading those Chinese news doesn't do any good to your English点击展开... 您原来是来教英文的呀，那他们是错把您的当驴肝肺了，都以为您和当年狗日的要搞什么“大东亚共荣圈”一个德行

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回复: 发些好玩的, 憋住别笑...Look carefully, dude. These jokes are not only about Canada but also other countries. This is a good away to acquire western sense of humor. Reading those Chinese news doesn't do any good to your English点击展开...前几天还信誓旦地说要坚持发加拿大的负面新闻,别人发一条中国的负面消息你就要给人来一条加拿大的负面消息做对应,这没几天就改成给人教英语的了,这么快就转变立场了不管怎么说,欢迎LZ的新面目 我身处英文环境,每天上上中文论坛是保持中文水平的好办法,和你在中文环境发英语贴的道理是一样的,我的英语还不劳你操心

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回复: 发些好玩的, 憋住别笑...前几天还信誓旦地说要坚持发加拿大的负面新闻,别人发一条中国的负面消息你就要给人来一条加拿大的负面消息做对应,这没几天就改成给人教英语的了,这么快就转变立场了 我身处英文环境,每天上上中文论坛是保持中文水平的好办法,和你在中文环境发英语贴的道理是一样的,我的英语还不劳你操心点击展开... 兄台愚钝，人家早在国外啦也未可知

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回复: 发些好玩的, 憋住别笑...不喜欢看笑话, LS 没有幽默感. 阶级斗争的弦绷的太紧了.

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The Dispossessed: An Ambiguous UtopiaA Novel by Ursula K. Le GuinWinner of Nebula Award in 1974 and Hugo Award in 1975​不喜欢看笑话, LS 没有幽默感. 阶级斗争的弦绷的太紧了.点击展开... 不会啊，我喜欢看你啊，因为你是这里最大的笑话

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回复: 发些好玩的, 憋住别笑...不会啊，我喜欢看你啊，因为你是这里最大的笑话 点击展开...

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